(urth) Short Story 218*: Planetarium in Orbit

[Marc Aramini]

#Planetarium in Orbit

"Planetarium in Orbit" first appeared as part of the Chicago Worldcon Bid
for 2012 pulp fiction series in an August 2009 pamphlet, with the title
*Constipating Science Fiction* on the cover.

##Summary

The villainous Doctor Death Vice, Ph.D. in mad science, narrates this pulpy
parody.  He proclaims that he is the master of the Lakemich Monster and the
man who stole Mars.

>The police have never brought me to justice and they never will.  My
scientific knowledge stands at eight-hundred ninety five, highest in the
known universe.  My cruelty at nine hundred and ten.  That puts me third,
but that is clearly an error; a better reckoning would advance me two
grades.  When I have Elaine Ecdysiast in my grasp ...

His plot involves the precept that the essential essence of every planet is
stored in the planetarium in the lake.  Having the essence of Earth in his
hands from the planetarium would, according to his scheme, make Dr. D. Vice
the Master of the World.  With his twenty subordinates, he drives to the
planetarium and positions their stolen cars to block access to the
planetarium, also starting fires to prevent access.

When he enters the building,  "a burst of fire from our submachine guns
brought new galaxies into existence and silenced the otherwise disordered
audience."

He introduces himself and proclaims that it is mad science which humankind
requires, indicating that his black and scarlet-lined cloak was donned as a
laureate of that field.

A youthful blond asks if she can feel the fabric, and Dr. Vice states, "I
recognized her at once.  It was whatshername, Brick Somethingorother's
girlfriend."

He explains his plot, indicating that this model of the solar system has a
sun far too small and planets far too close, amongst other errors.

Brick shows up saying, "I betcha forget her name, Doc.  My dear is whatcha
always calls her when ya can't think of her real name. ... Her real name's
... uh ... Elaine.  Only I can't never remember the last one." She declares
it is Ecdysiast, further commenting that it is Greek.

The Doctor responds, "I know her name as well as I know yours, Brick
Somethingorother."

Elaine declares that she and Brick represent Balance: "The universe tends
toward balance in all things; if it didn't it would've flown to pieces long
ago.  Snow White's pretty, so the dwarfs are funny.  All that stuff."  She
claims that the universe kicks in by providing Brick and herself to foil
his scheme.

The Doctor declares that probes have been sent to correct the model in the
planetarium as far as Kleptos (punning on thievery), recording the
essential essence of the sun and its planets "plus that of Luna, Deimos,
Phobos, [the moons of Mars] and all the other pieces of rock with lovely
names. The spheres you see are these recordings.  Possessing the essential
nature of the planets themselves."

Elaine says that in "the higher Platonian universe ... this really is the
solar system.  Isn't that cool?"

The doctor states that he will pluck Earth from its orbit. He hesitates,
"for two point four seconds only  ... Two point four five, perhaps, but not
more than that. ... a slight confusion had overtaken me.  Red or blue? Blue
or red?"

He asks Elaine which is which, and she replies, "I'm happy to help ...
Earth is the blue one, Doctor D. ... The sun is in the middle and we're
three doors down. ... Here's Mercury, number one.  This is Venus - I just
love her! - number two.  And the third one is us, Earth.  Terra was her
maiden name, but she's Earth now."

Dr. D declares it a clumsy deception, grabbing the red planet. Elaine gasps
and goes pale, saying "I failed to take your diabolical cunning into
account, Doctor.  It's hanging out with Brick so much. I get to thinking
all you men are, well, you understand."

"He's not near as strong as me," Brick declares imploring the Doctor to put
it back as he "levels a finger somewhat thinner than his skull" at his
nemesis.

The lights go out, for the fires the Doctor set outside to block entrance
to the planetarium have burned through "Commonwealth Edison's high-tension
lines."

In the dark, Brick takes out the Doctor's henchmen as Elaine narrates,
noting most of them as "cute" and identifying them by the weapons they held.

Having mastered ventriloquism, the Doctor casts his voice a different
direction to distract Brick and makes his escape, boarding his speedboats.
He gloats that he has stolen Mars:

>Oh, yes, I realized it was Mars as soon as I searched it thoroughly
without finding either Paris or Chicago.  The canals were another
giveaway.  Mars ... Elaine had known no better than I!

>And yet Mars offers certain advantages.  He is the god of war, and in
conjunction with Saturn... In the end I was not displeased.

>But that was at the end.  I was indeed displeased when I saw Brick and
Elaine commandeer the last of my boats. I could still blast the planetarium
into orbit, as I did forthwith, but those two had escaped it.

Doctor Death is a bit disappointed at how poorly the planetarium holds
together, but "Even so, the fine powdering of human beings that surrounded
the wreckage- many in bright sumer attire, and others dyed in pleasing
shades by their own blood - made a stirring sight."

Elaine and Brick give chase on the lake, and the Doctor summons the
Lakemich Monster.

>It rose, water cascading from its huge head as it does when at last a fat
woman quits her bath.  Stinking mud and great streamers of water weeds
clung to its head and neck; but as they fell away its iridescent scales
shone in the afternoon sunlight, each as large as many a satellite dish:
cerise and aureate and heliotrope; damask, are, and sapphire, scales that
formed a pattern more complex and more lovely than that upon the back of
any serpent.

>Its cavernous mouth gapped wide, displaying discolored fangs as long as
the legs of any center the Bulls have ever boasted.  My breast swelled with
pride as I watched its jaws close upon Brick Somethingorother. Never again,
I told myself.  Never would I be troubled by him again!

>Alas, it spit him out.

##Commentary

A very slight work, it was commissioned as part of a series for the Chicago
Worldcon Bid for 2012, with all of the contributors using the themes of
"pulp" SF and Fantasy. Ten "bidzines" were produced featuring
Chicago-related authors.  All of the stories shared a few features: the
deceptively intelligent and talkative heroine was named Elaine Ecdysiast
(whose last name implies a pole dancer or stripper), the villain was Dr. D.
Vice (though his first name changed in every tale), and the hero had the
initials B.S. (hmmm).  The short vignettes also featured some cameo or fact
of Chicago landscape or tradition, such as Wriggly Field or the Chicago Art
Museum. Bogus titles for the magazines besides *Constipating Science
Fiction* included *Contemptuous Science Fiction* (with a story by William
Shunn) or *Confounding SF* (with a story by Steven H Silver).  Other
authors  included Frederik Pohl, Matthew Stover, Mike Resnick, and Phyllis
Eisenstein. Several of the other stories are available online at
http://www.chicon.org/bid/pulps-online.html. Chicago was in fact successful
in its bid to have the 70th World Science Fiction Convention, called Chicon
7.

The themes at work are fairly obvious, as the exploration of pulp as
brainless adventure is slightly emphasized: a hair-brained scheme, a Ph.D.
with the highest scientific knowledge in the world who thinks Earth is the
fourth planet from the Sun, and a heroine who waxes lyrical about balance
(the specialty of the pole dancer, after all) all contribute to the pulpy
feel.  The Lake Michigan Monster is a  "real" story of the unexplained of a
snake like creature which lives in Lake Michigan, comparable to the hype
surrounding the Loch Ness Monster (though of course with a lesser
reputation.) The planetarium in question is no doubt the Adler Planetarium
founded in 1930 located on the northeast tip of Northerly Island on Lake
Michigan. It has been declared a National Historic Landmark.

The only indication that Wolfe is definitely the author, besides naming his
narrator-antagonist Doctor Death, involves the Platonic nature of
representation and ideality explained by Elaine Ecdysiast: the planets
somehow contain the essence of the things that they represent.  This has
been explored in Wolfe's fiction even as early as "The House of Ancestors"
- the essence and even function of something is symbolically contained in a
physical representation of it. Of course there is also the irony of Elaine,
with her suggestive last name, mentioning platonic ideals ....The tendency
to make all of the characters ironically ignorant is also probably a clue
to Wolfe's identity as author.

When Dr. Death talks about Mars in conjunction with Saturn, in astrology
this refers to a great determination to overcome all obstacles and
tenaciously persevere. Saturn can represent boundaries, organization, and
work ethic, while Mars is associated with soldiering, fighting, and
activity (but can also be associated with constructive forces).  The
conjunction of Mars and Saturn is  commonly ascribed to Engineers and
people with technological savvy (and of course, the symbol of the God Mars
is the wolf).

##Unanswered questions

Does Elaine actually try to mislead the Doctor, as he believes?  She does
go pale when he plucks out the representation of Mars, commenting that he
is even more diabolical than she planned, but all of her other explanations
for the location of the Earth are of course sound.

##Connection with other works

This is the light hearted Wolfe of parody, relying on puns and irony.  This
piece is closest to short works such as "A Visit from His Confidant" and
"The Lithosphere Whale".  While he has named his Dr. D. Vice character
Doctor Death, all of the characters in the Pulp series used had to use the
D. initial for the first name of the villainous doctor.

##Resources

-"The Pulps - Online Issues." Chicago 2012 Worldcon Bid. March 2010. Web.
20 April 2015. http://www.chicon.org/bid/pulps-online.html
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