(urth) off-topic, a propos of nothing

[Robin Dunn]

10 ways to Sabotage America

by Robin Dunn

Edward Bellamy's turn of the last century warning "Looking Forward,
Looking backward" may today look like a quaint Gilded

Age document describing the inequities of a capitalist system as it
existed around 1900.  He used the metaphor of the

carriage, on top of which sits capital, and around which run a mob of
workers.  Occasionally a worker gets pulled up on top

of the carriage to ride with the other capitalists, and occasionally
one of the capitalists gets dragged off and has to

become a worker.

Well the carriage has turned into a Chevy Volt, but it's still much
the same dynamic!  Large economic systems cooperate to

keep the bottom line rolling in, for the benefit of a select few, all
in the name of greater competition!  It's a beautiful

system!  Who can argue with it?  If you do, you're a socialist, or
even worse, a dirty pinko egghead liberal, even a

commie!  We still have those somewhere, I hear, growing beards and
talking about Marx.  (They're said to live in ivory

towers somewhere near you).

Now for those of you, like me, that would prefer to sit back and watch
the world collapse on Youtube and laugh at Bernanke

and Obama and Gingrich and Cheney's (why is he still drawing breath?)
hijinks, I have one word of warning:  bring a lot of

Corona.  Or Negro Modelo.

For those of you that are now terrified and mortified enough to get
off your asses and fight (unlike me), and have exhausted

the usual avenues to ease your consciences such as volunteering at
homeless shelters and being nice to panhandlers, as well

as even bringing food to your less fortunate neighbors (in places
where that still happens in America), I have another

solution:  sabotage.

Yes, the good old sabots, wooden shoes workers tossed into the
industrial machinery to fuck it up, can now win you millions

of dollars on our reality show 'Sticking it to the Man' (as soon as I
get that TV funding).  But while we wait for the

cameras to start rolling, I encourage your daily efforts to practice
for the stage as it were, so that you too can win a

million dollar prize.  (Who wants to do anything now where at least
the faint possibility of a million dollar prize is

invoked?  No one except idiots, that's who.)  So, you MAY win a
MILLION dollars for following these simple steps:

1) If you work at on office, steal all the pens.  Also, steal all the
stickie pads.  Get the erasers, eyeglasses lens

cleaner, toner, paper, paperclips, big metal clips, and telephones
while you're at it.  Don't discuss it with your

neighbors.  Just take the things home.  You need them more than the Man does.

2) Spontaneously burst into song at inappropriate moments.  This works
best if there's some popular song going around, and

the office staff takes turns singing snatches of it, so that no one
person can be blamed as the instigator of the song.

Songs were good for the slaves in the fields of Mississippi, after
all.  They survived, some of them.

3) If you don't already, begin hating your boss.  He or she may be a
nice guy or gal, but remember, they are your enemy.

They are the one who can doom you to poverty and homelessness.  They
are the one who can take away your children and put you

in the nuthouse.  They want to do it, too.  The solution is to hate
them honestly, and with no regrets.  Of course you must

smile and nod for them, even in public.  But secretly you must hoard
resentment and moral fervor, so that when the time

comes, you can all destroy them together.  (More about that later).

4) If you work at a call center where your performance is measured by
how much money you suck out of AARP Medicare

recipients over the phone, organize "strike" days, where everyone
deliberately pisses off the elderly in the nicest of

tones, so that the managers don't immediately catch on.  This is
dangerous as it can lead you to being fired.  But you were

going to be fired anyway.  It's better to go out with your buddies, with a bang.

5) Buy no weapons.  Too much suspicion and opportunities for random
violence.  Time for that later.  In the meantime, just

concentrate on grinding the machine that is killing you to a halt.

6) Change your name.  Encourage your neighbor to change their names.
Then, get a lot of credit cards in your new name.  Run

them up.  Then, change your name again.  It worked for Michael Jackson.

7) If you are a public works employee, cut off the water supply, or
sewage supply, to a neighborhood.  This will get things

noticed quick, so be sure to really fuck up the pipes down there
before you quit for the day.  You'll be fired and they'll

bring in scabs to do the work again.  However, you will have achieved
a moral victory.

8) Notice the bankers in your neighborhood.  Notice your bank
managers.  Notice your bank executives.  Track their

movements.  Are they buying more cars?  Do they have a "permanent
vacation" scheduled soon for the Maldives, or the

Canaries, or Madagascar?  Keep track of them, you will need that
information later.

9) Organize neighborhood marching groups.  Carry no weapons.  Call
them "minutemen for peace."  March around a lot and shout

things.  The things you shout don't need to make sense.  Remember:
short ideas repeated massage the brain.  It works for

the TV boys and girls.  They've been doing it for 60 years.

10) Which brings us to my most important piece of advice.  Burn all
your televisions now.  Burn them.

For those of you out there willing to undertake even some of this
advice, I salute you!  I am still too cowardly to carry

them out.  But if you come over and we have a couple beers, I'll bet
we could talk each other into it.  See you on the other

side!